Since Turning 30

This thing happened to me since turning 30. I can't figure out if it's the physical act of turning 30 or if it's been gradual over time and it just happened on my 30th birthday. Anyway, since turning 30 I stopped giving a shit. (Sorry, not sorry for saying shit.)

Looking back I've always been a people pleaser, some might even call it a pushover. I'd feel bad saying no to things or would try to make up an excuse as to why I'm saying no. "I can't make it tonight because...(x), (y), (z)" instead of "I can't make it tonight because I don't feel like going." or just point blank: "No." I did this because I wanted to feel secure in my relationships, no one will be mad at me if I have a reason as to why I'm not going opposed to I just don't feel like going. I decided: ENOUGH! I'm tired of the excuses, I'm tired of trying to pretend and I'm just going to be me. If people get upset because I say no, I decided that's on them, not me. If they decide to be upset for whatever reason, fine, it's no longer my problem. I am allowed to say no and not do things I don't want to do.

This also translates to personal struggles I faced, mainly, appearance and the kind of person I am and what I'm doing with my professional life. It's been EXHAUSTING fighting with myself on how to dress, and caring what people think about me. It's been a decade fight, probably longer with junior high and high school in the mix, but it's liberating to let it all go. LET IT GO! If I don't work out for three days in a row, LET IT GO. If my hair isn't washed and I have to throw it up instead LET IT GO. If my jeans are a little tight because I ate and drank too much the past weekend LET IT GO. LET. IT. GO. Feels good to say. Feels even better to practice.

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