I think I've aged more in the last two weeks than I ever have in my life. Shit's getting weird and life is bizarre. Point blank, I am just as uncertain as you all are with what the future of life holds, and yeah, I have anxiety about it. But, with that said I've been forcing myself to live this current life day by day, even hour by hour and try, TRY, to just be OKAY - not good, not great, not bad, but okay. The irony of this all is there was always, ALWAYS, something planned ahead (work, life, parties, fun, not fun, workouts, meals, grocery shopping, MUNDANE LIFE STUFF) and now, nothing. Quite literally, everything is at a stand still. I am currently sitting on my couch in the clothes I slept in (still trying to find the energy to get dressed) and am trying to figure out the day. I am on Slack waiting (hoping) things come in, email is slow (please, I miss those 20+ inbox full alerts, I am sorry for ever complaining!), and there is nothing to do. So, I'm reflecting (and writing). I've been reading and seeing on social media the outpour of people and communities come together like the biggest and warmest hug I've ever experienced. People are reaching out, checking in on each other, and making sure things are okay, and it's amazing! The level of love and gratitude that has been given and received has been the equivalent of a fresh from the dryer blanket wrapped around you - the feeling of warmth and coziness.
Hi, I'm Liz, and I have anxiety. I hate the feeling of not having control in my life, and here I am with what life has decided to throw at me (us): a flaming hot curveball where I literally have no fucking idea what is going to happen in the next hour, day, week or month and oh life, you cruel asshole you, has forced me to do nothing but sit with my thoughts and panic! and cry! and laugh! and love! How mean are you life! But, for a reason I can't quite explain, I've decided to not let fear dictate my feelings and churn into a downward spiral of negativity and anxiety. Here I am with the world crumbling around me doing my fucking best to not crumble with it. Instead, I've decided to focus that life will be okay because us humans are resilient, and I am hopeful we're all going to overcome this and be stronger, wiser and ultimately kinder. I am holding on to hoping this is just a blessing in disguise forcing us to slow down a bit and focus on what's really important in life. I said this before, and I'll say it again - and maybe I'm naive in thinking this - but this is what's getting me through the day and get out of bed, connecting with loved ones, feeling hopeful and continuing to do my best to feel inspired and share love and gratitude with people around me. I have no fucking idea what my future holds at this point - will I have my job? Will things be okay? Will the flowers bloom and the sun shine and everyone emerges from quarantine better than before? I can only hope, and for now, that's what I'm holding on to.
Life as I knew it in photos of 'CAN'T WAIT TO GET BACK THERE', a collage. And fuck it, these aren't even edited, cause life's not perfect and HERE WE ARE.
