As I begin to write this I am also thinking about what I am going to eat today. Do I want eggs and toast? Chicken? Pancakes? As I'm deciding this I am also trying to figure out my macros. How much fat will be in this? Will this cover my protein goal? As I am also trying to figure out my macros I am simultaneously trying to feel good about my body and what I've eaten in the last week. I am also trying to feel empowered that I have gained some weight. That my pants are a little tight and that my stomach is a little soft because I've had many weekends with loved ones eating and drinking celebrating life. I am trying to set my self up to feel empowered through all of these things: through figuring out what to eat, to understanding the nutrients I put into my body, and most importantly, feeling OK that I gained a little bit of weight.
This morning I read a few articles about embracing the "flaws". Beyonce and her FUPA. The ladies at Man Repeller turning their acne, cellulite and crows feet to constellations, dapples and gold steps. All of this makes me feel better about myself, and where I am and where I've come and also to where I am going. The idea of loving yourself is not new but it takes a lot of practice. Long are the days I spend hours infront of the mirror trying to change the way I look through clothing and crying because I can't master the feeling of empowerment; but, there are days I still position my legs so it appears I have a thigh gap, or I turn to the side and suck in my tummy to see what it might look like if I had a permanent flat stomach. I don't embrace these things whole heartedly and think if I had this I'd be a better person, but I still flirt with the idea of this fantasy. And for what? Do I think I'll be accepted more or make more money or ???
To feel most empowered is to look at my thighs and think of how much weight they can deadlift and squat, to think I've traveled and seen so many amazing things. To think my stomach is strong beneath whatever fluff it has, that it's what carries my body and stablizes me, and one day, will carry children into this world. None of these ideas are novel, but they're something I am constantly learning to embrace. I challenge myself to look at all the things I love about me and feel constantly empowered. To feel beautiful, strong and sexy after a really hard workout. To feel happy after indulging in wine and food with loved ones. To feel beautiful, strong and sexy when I don't feel those things; when I feel inadequate about having fluff on my tummy, but knowing that fluff is not the end of the fucking world. To embrace at the end of the day I can walk, I can breathe, I can taste and smell, I can run if I need to, lift heavy shit, I can care and love and be a good person and work hard and enjoy LIFE. THAT is what is empowering!