If I'm being honest mines been up and down, and honestly, down, way down more than up. I can't remember the last time I felt this low and defeated in life, and I know I am not the only one. It has nothing to do with the self isolation because it's been good to slow down, even though it feels so foreign to just sit, with my thoughts, and process. The uncertainty in all this is bringing me down. Everything from keeping my job, to physically seeing my friends again and being able to have life go back to normal, whatever 'normal' means. The funny thing about normal is this is now my new normal. The normalcy of waking up and not really understanding what my day will look like. Or the normalcy of communicating with friends via Zoom or Facetime, which, I will say brings a super bright light to my days right now. The new weirdness and normalcy of working out at home through Zoom with all of us collectively working out on a screen independently in our homes. Yesterday I made bread, because why not. This is the first time in a long time that I've had so much time to 'chill' that I need to find something to do. I made bread. I kneaded the dough for 15 minutes, Chris and I off and on, getting a serious shoulder workout and just doing it. My mind was only on the bread, and the dough, and that I needed to keep it moving. I wasn't thinking about my Sunday to do list because right now, there isn't one. I wasn't thinking about work and the Sunday scaries, or what we were going to make for dinner or what was going to be for lunch Monday. I wasn't thinking about laundry or grocery shopping or all the normalcies I've always had on every Sunday I've ever prepped for the work week. No, I was literally thinking about the bread and what I was doing to it and what needed to be done to complete the final product. At that moment I felt grateful, which might be weird in times like this, but I felt grateful. Grateful to have my mind slow down and focus on what I was doing and what was happening in front of me. If this pandemic is teaching me anything, it's okay to have all the emotions - I've cried more times in the last couple days than I can remember, I've been pissed, I've been scared, sad, mad, happy but honestly really grateful. The influx of community and love I've seen and experienced in the last two weeks has been amazing and so appreciated. Knowing we're looking out for each other, and knowing we want and need to connect more than ever has me feeling hopeful. I might be naive, but I am hopeful things will be okay, and when things are okay, I am hopeful that we'll all be a little kinder, nicer and loving to each other when life resumes back to normal. I am hoping you're all surviving, and finding time to feel all the feelings, because if anything, at least we all have a moment to truly feel. Sending my love and positivity to you all.
